Words

"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day." 

This powerful Emily Dickinson quotation begets both conviction and inspiration in my heart.

I am convicted when I realize that a daily running record of my words would not always prove that I agree with Emily Dickinson in this quote. Sometimes, I haphazardly speak in a way that suggests that I  believe words can leave my lips and then simply dissipate into the surrounding air. I neglect to pause and consider the type of seeds I am planting in the minds of my listeners. I let raging emotions trump reason or kindness and foolishly assume that apologies will somehow retract the words I so thoughtlessly spoke into being. Sometimes, I fail to speak the words of love and affirmation others need.

If the above quotation is true, and I believe that it is,  I'm dismayed to think of the type of life I have, at times, put into being as a result of my own carelessness.

At the same time, I am inspired when I imagine the beautiful bits of life I can put into the world when I choose my words intentionally. I can speak small seeds of truth, motivation, empowerment, and love to those around me. I am encouraged, knowing that although my words may sometimes seem to fall on deaf ears, they very well may be continuing to grow far beyond the day I first utter them. All of the "I know you can!"s, the "I believe in you!"s, the "You are so smart!"s, and the "I care about you!"s that seemed to be in vain may one day grow in the minds of students I interact with to such an extent that they will conquer the condescending giants that now rule their minds.

I aspire to live in constant awareness of the fact that, as Proverbs 18 says, "the tongue has the power of life and death"...and to use mine for life.

"Dear Mom....10 Things Right Now"

As I've perused various SOL blogs recently, I have come across a series of "10 Things Right Now" posts, inspired by the previous creative work of Ali Edwards and Mandy Robek.  Many of these have been tender thoughts written from mothers to their children. I contemplated writing my own "10 Things" post but abandoned the idea quickly after I realized that I didn't have a child to direct my sentiments toward. I felt like I didn't have anything to share. That is, until my mental light bulb illuminated and I had the idea to compose a "10 Things" post in reverse--from daughter to mother.

So, without further adieu: "Dear Mom...10 Things Right Now..."

10. I hear your voice come out of my own mouth almost daily. "It's happening...I'm turning into my mother!" Our culture often tells us that this is bad thing, something to be lamented. I am so fortunate to be able to sing these words with glee. "You are just like your mother" is the kind of compliment that could put a spring in my step for the rest of the day.

9. I wish we lived closer. Being 500 miles away is definitely better than being 6,600 miles apart, as we used to be, but it's still too far. As great as the cliche of "miles apart but close at heart" sounds, it really doesn't cut it when I just want to meet up and have a 2-hour lunch/gabfest with you. Have you made any progress on convincing Dad to move out here?

8. For some reason, when you look in the mirror, you see the emergence of wrinkles, bags, and sun spots. There must be something wrong with your mirror because when I look at you, I see nothing but beauty.

7. To this day, I will not...I cannot... shop for clothes with anyone besides you. Whenever I need a new outfit, I find myself aimlessly walking around Kohl's, wishing you were with me. I may have inherited your desire to be trendy but unfortunately I missed the chromosome that contains the ability to look at individual articles of clothing and put them together in a combination that "works." I need you with me when I shop. Don't even get me started on searching for jeans. There is not a single other person on the planet that I trust to honestly answer the question, "Do these pants make my hips look big?" Even if the answer has, on occasion, made me cry.

6.  Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for loving me, encouraging me, inspiring me, disciplining me, coaching me, teaching me, and caring for me. Just, thanks.

5. You are not only my mom, but also my best girlfriend. I don't know how I ended up with such an amazing 2-for-1 deal, but God certainly blessed me with you. I love our mother/daughter friendship and the crazy, open, honest relationship we have with each other.

4. I think you are amazing for switching careers and for excelling in your new role! Few people would have had the guts to make such a "life change"...and even fewer would have been so successful. You are an incredible woman.

3. I hope that one day I will be the kind of mom to my child(ren) that you have been to me. Sometimes being a mom scares me because of how much responsibility comes with that title. How will I possibly care for someone like you cared (and care) for me? How will I just "know" when they are in trouble... or when they are hiding something? How will I exhibit the enduring patience that you have with me? How will I know exactly the right thing to say, as you always do? Will you teach me?

2. Growing up, I always thought that great marriages were the "norm" because that was what you and Dad modeled for us at home. I naively assumed that most kids grew up in a family similar to ours. It wasn't until I got out in the "real world" that I realized how atypical you and Dad really are. Thank you for modeling what a loving, committed, selfless, godly marriage looks like for me every day for the last 26+ years.

1. I love you.

Thankful for a Schedule Change

I am the epitome of a creature of habit. For better or worse, I live of life of patterns and schedules. My mornings almost always start the same: I wake up, brew a pot of coffee, check my email, eat a half cup of oatmeal and 6 oz of yogurt for breakfast, and then spend time reading and praying. I then "primp" while I listen to music playing from my Kindle and before I leave for school, I grab my purse, my gym bag, and my lunch (all of which I packed and carefully laid out the night before) and head out the door. The habits that form my daily schedule are probably bordering on the line of a compulsion.

But tonight I am thankful to have a schedule change. A Wednesday night that is unlike any other.

Normally by this time on a Wednesday, I have rushed through a workout at the gym, scarfed down some dinner, and am on my way to help out at program my church hosts for primary school students. I love volunteering in that capacity. Although I am frequently exhausted on my drive there, I always leave with a happy heart. There's nothing quite like chatting with third graders, listening to them recite memory verses, or having some run up to you and treat you with a hug for no apparent reason. Without a doubt, my Wednesday nights are usually pretty great.

But tonight will be great in a different way.  My munchkins are on "Spring Break," which means that tonight I'll get a little extra time with my best friend. I'll get to prepare a homemade dinner for us to eat....together....at the kitchen table! Tonight, I'll get to hear the full story of his day instead of the 10-minute "Reader's Digest" version I usually hear on Wednesdays. Tonight, I might even get to snuggle up and watch an episode of Person of Interest  with him or curl up with a good book! Yes, tonight will be a welcomed upset to the normal patterns of my life.

My Running Companions

I'm not the type of girl who dreams of saving up my pennies to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos. I'm more of a Payless kind of girl.

That is, until it comes to my running shoes. I have my brother-in-law to thank for my sneaker snobbery. He introduced me to my first-ever pair of Brooks' running shoes a few years ago and I've been a changed person ever since.

That's why I was so thrilled when a package from Finish Line arrived on my doorstep.

Bursting with excitement and anticipation, I tore open the outer box and then carefully lifted the lid of the shoe box inside.

Their name--the Adrenaline GTS--suited them perfectly. I felt a rush of adrenaline flow through my veins as I stared at them--still in the box; still pristine (a condition that wouldn't last very long). The vibrant pink and orange hues just seemed like fast colors to me. Can colors be fast? If I hadn't thought so before, I certainly was a believer now. Yes, I could feel it...I was certain to set a new P.R. sporting these.

Slowly, I loosened the laces and slide my feet into them. Ahhh. I wiggled my toes, bounced up and down, and then jogged in place. These were the perfect running shoes.

Running shoes. The label didn't fit. It just didn't sit right with me. To anyone else, it would have been an adequate description. Running shoes, tennis shoes, sneakers...depending on the location, those might be words that one could read on a shoe box or in an online product description, but to me, those labels just didn't suffice. They minimized the significance of what was inside the box.

No, these were my running companions. They would accompany me for hundreds of miles. They would willingly strike the pavement with each stride I made. They would endure hard runs as I sprinted away my stress. They would patiently tolerate slow jogs as I pushed through exhaustion. They would join me as I contemplated life, wondered about my future, prayed for my family and friends, planned my best lessons, and rocked out to my favorite music. They would trek through cold spring mornings and hot summer afternoons, celebrating the sun but still enduring through the rain. As  I ran... sweating, smiling, singing, and even crying...they would be right there with me.

Staring back at me were so much more than two new shoes. They were my new running companions.

Saying "Hello" After Already Saying "Good-bye"

"I have made my final decision and am going to accept the offer of OSU these days..." 

Joy filled my heart this morning as I read these words in an email from a former student.

Q's first year of high school coincided with my first year of teaching (at the same high school). We both learned how to navigate new waters that year.

At first, Q was a very quiet student. He seldom spoke up in class and disliked most lessons that involved class participation. Most of that was due to the cultural differences between the Chinese and American teaching style and the fact that I was probably his only teacher who encouraged class participation to such an extent. This was, after all, an Oral English class. How were the students going to learn if I did most of the talking?

Q eventually warmed up and it wasn't long before he was not only participating in class but had become an "Office Hours Regular." Soon, he was excitedly signing up for our English Club Parties and coming over to our apartment with his friends to sample Mr. M's famous hamburgers and try his first bites of Mexican food. We learned that he loved anything with cheese. Oh, did he love cheese. He consumed it with such glee that it made those bike or subway rides to the import store completely worth it.

My husband and I got to know Q quite well during our three years at that high school. Our first year was Q's first year; our last year was Q's last year (high school is only a 3-year experience in China). When we attended that class's high school graduation ceremony, we watched with glassy eyes as thoughts about how hard it would be to say "good-bye" to so many beloved students raced through our minds.

And now, my heart can't quite contain its excitement as I learn that I will, once again, get to say "hello" to Q! My husband and I will likely pick him up from the airport in August after his first painstakingly long journey from China to the U.S. At the airport, we will welcome him with smiles (and of course, a glittery sign) not just to this country, or to this state, but back into our lives.

=)

Update: After posting this blog, I checked my email and received a message from another student to share her news that she, too, was accepted to OSU! If I can't go back to Beijing anytime soon, maybe I can just convince all of my students to come here.

Springing Forward with Excitement

This time of year, groans and complaints fill the air as people lament over "springing forward" and losing an hour of sleep. In an effort to look on the bright side of things, I want to focus on the events that are now a wee bit closer. We may have lost an hour of sleep, but I'm 60 minutes closer to these life events which will, Lord-willing, happen between now and November 2nd (when we "fall back")...

• I will get to watch my husband walk at graduation after he has poured himself into pursuing excellence for the last two years and finally earns an MBA. 
• I will finish all of my TESOL endorsement coursework thus, the last of my graduate studies. 
• I will cherish the days of spring, summer, and fall, and marvel at the beauty in the change of seasons. 
• I will submit job applications to every school in the near vicinity and hopefully receive some positive news from one of them, thus allowing me to begin my first ever full-time teaching job in the U.S. 
• If the above happens, then I will get to experience a true American "first day of school," where I will see the faces of those whom I will spend the next year reaching out to and trying my best to do everything I possibly can to assist them in their language development. 
• I will get to sit in the audience as my "little" brother walks across the stage at his high school graduation. 
• I will spend two and a half weeks "island hopping" in Greece with my favorite travel partner (my husband). 
• I will send my husband off to his first day of full-time work in the U.S. at a company he truly loves working for. 
• I will celebrate with my sister and welcome a new little niece or nephew into our family. 
• I will try, struggle, fail, and try again in so many areas as I seek to become a better Christ-follower, wife, daughter, sister, teacher, learner, athlete and friend. Then, hopefully, through persistence, I will make small steps toward achieving my goals, recognizing that the ultimate attainment of them will not come easily but it is important to persist in my pursuit of them each day. 
• I will treasure the days God has given me and seek to use them well! 

With so many things to look forward to, I can't help but be delighted that in springing forward, I am slightly closer to all of those events and experiences...and so many more! 

Missing My China Life

Every now and then, there's one thought I can't quite shake. It lingers with me all day and directs my daydreams. Perhaps I can't shake it because I don't want the thought, and the warm sentiments it brings, to leave. What is it?

 I miss China. 

I lived in Beijing for three of the best years of my life, working as a "foreign teacher" at a Chinese public middle/high school. I've been back in the U.S. for about a year and a half now, and while there are many comforts that come along with life on this side of the ocean, there are so many elements I miss about my life in Beijing. This morning, my heart is heavy with a longing to return, so I thought I'd write down some of the things I miss about my China life. Maybe it will be therapeutic. Or maybe it will just make me cry. 

I miss my students.
I miss my students terribly. All of them (that's about 250 students each year). I still keep in touch via email with many of them, but I miss seeing and talking with them every day. I miss hearing about their lives, their worries, their dreams. I miss helping them practice and improve upon their English. I miss watching their eyes light up as they accomplished a task or gave a speech that they never thought they could. I miss the hilarious comments they often made or the antics that were inevitably present in certain classes. I miss hearing them insert our "Phrase of the Week" (an idiomatic expression) into their conversations...sometimes using it correctly, and sometimes finding "unique" ways to use it that just had to make a teacher smile.

I miss being a "real" teacher. 
Spending the last year and a half as a full-time grad student/part-time substitute teacher has been rewarding in many ways but it has also left a big gaping hole in my life in other ways. Oh, how I miss being a "real" teacher...seeing the same students each week...developing relationships with them...watching the progress in their language use....having my own classroom.

I miss hearing my last name shouted out classroom windows, from basketball courts, down hallways, and along pathways.
By the end of three years at our school, either my husband or I had taught basically every child in the entire middle/high school. And it was a big school. Combine that fact with our students' tendency for extreme excitement, and it often resulted in hearing our last name (only the last name...no "Mr." or "Mrs.") shouted in glee every time we walked outside. We called the lunchtime walk to/from the cafeteria our "walk of fame," as we passed by almost every student and heard a chorus of children singing a one-word song that happened to be our name. I loved it.

I miss teaching students and colleagues how to bake cookies, decorate cupcakes, and cook American meals. 
As the "foreign teacher," everything I did was intriguing to my students. They were particularly interested in American food. So, on Saturdays when I wasn't hosting a themed English Club party in my house, I often spent the afternoon teaching students (and some colleagues) how to measure ingredients (something they don't do in Chinese cooking), use an electric mixer (oh man, what fun they had with that...), follow a recipe, and then enjoy snacking on our finished products.

I miss the look on my students' faces when I would randomly respond to something they said in Chinese. 
There is nothing quite like shocking students by eavesdropping on one of their conversations (which they had assumed you didn't understand) and then saying something about it...in Chinese. Gleeful cries of, "Laoshi ting de dong! (Teacher understands!)" would fill the room. So. much. fun.

I miss biweekly "Office Hours," when I never knew quite what to expect but I always left with a smile on my face.  
Would we play hours of UNO or Headbanz? Would we talk about books? Would we chat for hours about life and school? Would we help students who were considering applying to universities in the U.S.? Would there be 25 students there, or just 1? We never knew what our "Office Hours" would hold...but it was always a good time.

I miss coming together with other "foreign teachers" on Sundays and swapping stories of our most recent teaching escapades.
There is something good for the soul about knowing that as you have daily crazy, hilarious, frustrating, inspiring, and sometimes unbelievable experiences, your friends are going through the same things. When you share your stories with them, they "get it." When I taught in China, there were 40-50 other teachers from my organization at other schools scattered throughout the city. On Sundays, we all got together to share a meal and have a church service. Inevitably, our meal time was spent swapping stories about our recent teaching escapades. I miss those Sundays...

I miss my daily visits to my Chinese merchant friends. 
The owner of the local fruit stand...who always gave me secret deals on my purchase and wanted me to try samples of random pieces of fruit;
The lady who served lunch at my favorite line in the school cafeteria...and always seemed to dish out slightly bigger portions for me than she did for anyone else;
The shop owner who sold us our lunchtime Coke Zero...and thought we were insane for drinking so much soda;
The worker at the checkout line at our grocery store... who always seemed intrigued by what "the American" was buying.

I miss the relationships I had with all of these people. When I first arrived in Beijing and couldn't say more than "Ni hao" in Chinese, our "conversations" were limited to smiles and gestures. As time progressed, though, our conversation expanded. In the U.S., I bring my own lunch to school and only do grocery shopping once a week. I miss those daily interactions.

I miss how much time I had with my husband. 
For three years, I had the exact same schedule as my husband. We taught the same classes at the same school and we did everything together. In fact, in our entire first year of marriage (which also happened to be my first year teaching in China), we were never apart for more than 6 hours at a time. Even that only happened once or twice. Most of the time, it was a rare day when I went more than 2-3 hours without seeing my husband. Everyone always asks if we got sick of each other or got on each other's nerves, but we didn't. We loved the borderline excessive amount of time we got to spend together. Perhaps it had something to do with dating long-distance for a year (I mean really  long...as in, the distance between China and the U.S. long). Either way, it was wonderful. We knew everything that happened in each others lives. Now that we are back in the U.S. living more "normal" lives, we just simply don't see each other as often. We still carve out time to spend with each other, and the time we do have is more precious because it is limited commodity, but sometimes I miss the days of 24/7 husband/wife bonding.

I miss those random moments that tested my flexibility. 
It's two days before the first day of a new school year and my husband asks the school officials if there is an update about which classes we'll be teaching. No? Ok...how about tomorrow? Maybe? Ok...

The bell just rang and there isn't a single student in my classroom. Ten minutes later, a Chinese teacher walks into my room and informs me that, due to a schedule change, I will not be teaching this period. They forgot to inform the "foreign teachers" of the change.

My entire lesson involves the use of technology. I unlock the computer desk and press the "power" button...nothing happens.

My phone rings at 7 in the morning on a day when I normally don't teach until 10. Oh, I'm teaching a class in twenty minutes? Wonderful...

Before I taught in China, I was not a flexible person. I always had a plan and always followed it. China beat that right out of me. I still like to have a plan, but my ability to be flexible and "go with the flow" has improved dramatically.


There are so many more things I miss about my life in China. I could go on for hours, but I've already written far more than I ever intended to, so I'll leave it at that. Now, I need to go grab a tissue to wipe my eyes.